Tears Today...

Why the tears?...

The last couple of days have been a bit strange.  I have this overwhelming desire to be in the Lord's presence and what I want to do most is study the Word.  I then feel guilty for not praying as I used to.   I miss those days when my daughter was a toddler and I would sit and pray and pray.  There are of course seasons in our lives.  I agree with this very much. "To everything there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1  (I do believe there is much more meaning in these passages of Ecclesiastes) It is comforting that the Lord knows there is a time for everything, and it is also extremely comforting to know that He is long-suffering.  Oh thank You Lord for this!  This is definitely one of His character traits I need in great measure.  I must type out this verse as it is so beautiful to hear the description of our Lord. "The Lord does not delay and is not tardy or slow about what He promises, according to some people's conception of slowness, but He is long-suffering (extraordinarily patient) toward you, not desiring that any should perish, but that all should turn to repentance."  2 Peter 3:9 amplified.  

Seasons, well, it seems I go through a season every day.  Some of the time I am energized in faith and then later, my worries and cares come back.  This in itself may be a season.  Perhaps getting back to that time when I will remain fixed and stable, standing on that Rock and not wavering. This is inspiring!  As I mentioned guilt, I have to mention that I know God's love is not based on works.  In fact it's in knowing how much He has done for me, us, I should not be having these moments, but I do, and I am.

It has been a strange transition these past couple of months.  Mainly, my concern is relating to finances for the future.  Oh how I should not be bothered by this! The countless times the Lord has taken care of things for us, are truly countless.  Why should I be bothered?  I need not be.  I have enjoyed every moment of being home with my husband and daughter these past couple of months and not having to work. Thank You, Lord.  I will be returning for a temporary time and as I stated in my last entry, after this, it is truly a plan I know not.  Perhaps this is best.  Truly putting my faith to the test, and again, the testing of our faith produces so many gems!! This makes me smile.  Do not the words, "thou has done well my good and faithful servant" sound so wonderful? My emotions have been high and in prayer, I have cried tears.  Oh Lord, make Your thoughts my thoughts.  "For the rest brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things (fix your mind on them".  Phil. 4:8 amplified

So, why the tears?  Some are just of sheer joy that the Lord is good, some are of heart ache for the journey I have traveled.  However, I actually wanted to say, the journey that ONE has traveled.  For I know many are on very hard journeys now.   At those moments and now I pray for all of those traveling on that weary path.  I love that Jesus leads us through it! Spoken by the Master, "Peace I leave with you; My own peace as I now give and bequeath to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."  John 14:17 amplified 

This has been a daily fight.  As I read through these writings, it sounds two sided.  Perhaps it is.  In actuality we are mind, soul and spirit.  There are battles going on and my spirit does not desire to give in to these worries/fears.  For now, the battle of faith and trust in the Lord, now and in the future, is fighting against my fears for tomorrow.  The battle of looking up and focusing on the Lord and not on the cares of this world.  The battle of peace and joy reigning in my heart against sadness.  Truly deep in my heart, there is that strength of faith that will rise up! It is there.  The place where Jesus resides. "...greater is He who lives in you is greater (mightier) than he who is in the world." 1 John 4:4  In that place, He will lead the way out and to that place of victory!! Lead the way Oh Lord!

May you have that victory in all your battles.  May God watch over you and keep you.  In Jesus.

Where to Begin

Have you ever been through a valley? 

The depths of the unknown.  The path that God has led you through and eventually lead you out?  I have been there.  It has taken two years to almost fully recover, though we're still in the recovery phase right now. 

It's been difficult to find a starting place to write.  Things look differently since going through this valley, this is a good thing.  There are a few Scriptures that directly speak of the blessings of going through a trial.  "Consider it wholly, joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.  Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience." James 1:2-3

My prayer closet.  My prayer closet is the safest place to be.  I have visited many times and sadly, I have not been in there enough these days.  The world goes away, disappears, in the quiet place where only God hears the deepest yearnings and desires of my heart and soul and poured out in His Presence.  The cries from my heart were never so deep as when I was in that valley.  Crying had an entirely new definition for me.  I understood what the wonderful King David described in soaking his pillows with tears.  I thank the Lord, for that prayer closet.  I needed to cry to someone, and no one better than He.

My marriage, my little world, was crumbling to pieces and the world outside didn't seem to exist.  It started when my husband lost his job in 2007, a great job, a job I deeply wish I appreciated more.  Oh, the lessons learned!    Shortly before, my husband was falling into a depression and the job loss exacerbated this illness.  My husband declined and very quickly transformed into another person I did not know.  He lost his personality, his happiness and actually, he almost lost his mind.  This was something I could not even admit while it was happening.  He needed serious help and I delayed seeking it as I knew we couldn't afford to go to a doctor.  I tried to diagnose him myself and see how we could figure it out with the Lord's help through prayer and seeking Godly counsel.  I discovered something called "scrupulosity". This describes very well what he was going through; a doubt in the Lord's salvation for him and then believing he might have lost his salvation somewhere. The details of this situation are many and our beautiful daughter witnessed all of this pain I was going through while grieving for my husband.  I felt that he left and would never come back again as the man I knew before, was no more.  In the mean time, our savings was being exhausted to pay for a house that my small part time income and unemployment could not maintain.

I know this valley is none compared to others' situations.  I know people are suffering all over the world.  However, going through a valley is just that, and no matter what circumstances bring you to it, it is not easy.  Looking back, I am so thankful for it.  The Lord's mighty hand never left us.  The most difficult part was not being able to hear His sweet voice in my heart.  It seemed during this time, I could hear nothing.  I couldn't even pray as usual, in a sense, I feel that I was losing my own mind.  However, I hung tight to that beautiful Scripture, "For God hath not given us a spirit of fear; but of power and love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self control."  2 Tim. 1:7 amplified 

As my dad said many times to me on the phone, "Julie, this time will pass, " it did.  I will tell you, though, it felt as if would not.  I was wondering if this was a life long change.  The Lord did bring us out!!  My husband did seek medical attention and the Lord provided a way for this to happen.  He started to heal my husband and he was able to go back to work earlier this year.  I was able to find a good part time job for a few months that enabled us to get caught up on our finances and push our loan through modification. Unfortunately, I was laid off (Medicare changes affected the company) a couple of months ago, but God's timing is perfect...

Right as that happened, my husband was offered a better position.  The pay is still not quite enough for when our mortgage is adjusted and my unemployment is exhausted, but I am waiting for the next piece of God's plan to be unfolded.  It is unknown right now, but I believe that He will reveal it and help us when we need to know.  It is amazing that with all the times the Lord has carried us through, blessings freely bestowed, and prayers answered for ourselves and many others, that I can still worry about tomorrow.  Though I am sweetly reminded, thank You sweet Lord, that we shall not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have its own worries and anxieties, Matt. 6:34.

My desire is to write about day to day experiences, Bible study, and anything the Lord puts on my heart.  These writings are devoted to the Lord entirely and I pray that He will bless every word.  May the Lord bless you and keep you well.  I pray this blesses you.  I hope in time there will be many of us sharing and uplifting each other through the Word.  
Blessings!!